My pledge class is currently soaking up the sun and having lots of fun in For Lauderdale, or as college students across the nation have adorably re-named it, “Frat Lauderdale.”
“Cash, are you coming to Frat Laudy?!” asked one of my sisters.
“No, I’ve got stuff to do.” I replied.
By stuff I meant getting ahead on articles and binge eating. Here’s a GIF of Blake Lively as Serena Van Der Woodsen to make me feel better about my decision, because if SVD does something, then you know it’s cool.
Seriously, though, why am I in my west suburban hometown writing articles and wearing a pair of flannel pants like it is the only article of clothing I own?
There are a few reasons. One is that I am lame and I want to save money. The other is that I am lame and I, apparently, love my family more than I love blacking out and getting tan. So, to review, I am lame and I decided to come home for spring break. I am sure there are a lot of other lame-o’s out there who are feeling the same way as I am right now. Rock on, lame-o’s. I’m not even half way through my break and I have already had all of these thoughts regarding my absence from my PC’s spring break vacation.
30.) “The fear of missing out is all too real.”
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29.) “At least I am not consuming the calories they are drinking.”
28.) “But I am consuming the same amount of calories they are drinking by eating all the food in my house.”
27.) “I wonder if I got a spray tan if they would even notice that I didn’t go to Frat Laudy with them.”
The Odyssey Online
26.) “Is it bad that I am kind of praying they all get a totally treatable but all too real STI?”
25.) “Not that I want them to be infected, I just want them to have fond memories of their break.”
24.) “Wow, I think I am a bitch for wishing STI’s on my sisters.”
23.) “I still have time to buy a ticket and surprise them down there.”
22.) “I’m not going to though, because my Mom said we could order Chinese food on Friday.”
21.) “At least I am getting ahead on all of my homework.”
20.) “But then that just means I am going to be free when we get back to school while they are doing all the work they didn’t do over break.”
19.) “If they keep Instagramming and Snapchatting pictures of how much fun they are having, I am going to have to deactivate.”
18.) “Seriously, I am just about ready to throw my phone into a pool.”
17.) “Oh wait a minute, I am home and do not have a pool…$&%*”
16.) “The joke is on them, really, I am getting my doctor’s appointments out of the way and I am getting my hair cut later this week, I’m basically being an adult while they are partaking in juvenile antics.”
15.) “No, the joke is on me, because I am considering a hair cut and a trip to the gynecologist as exciting Spring Break activities.”
14.) “At least I am not spending a ton of money doing what we do every weekend (aka getting drunk and hanging out.)
13.) “But they are getting drunk and hanging out on a beautiful beach…”
12.) “They win, they totally win.”
11.) “I hope they are being safe.”
10.) “Although I am jealous as f***, I cannot wait to hear all the stories they have when they get back.”
9.) “I wonder if Spring Break is anything like the way it was depicted in ‘From Justin To Kelly.'”
8.) “God I hope they all come back together in one piece.”
7.) “I take back the thing I said about the STI’s…I was just in a dark place when I said that.”
6.) “When I say a dark place I mean boring-ass suburbia.”
5.) “It’s not my PC’s fault that they are fun and adventurous and I am frugal and boring.”
4.) “At least I know I won’t be having sex with anybody this week, so that reduces my chances of any pregnancy scares in the weeks to come.”
3.) “And Mom offered to take me to Target, so life here is actually really, really good.”
2.) “Oh, who am I kidding Target does not beat hanging out with my beautiful and crazy pledge class.”
1.) “I miss them all so so much.”