An Open Letter To: The Boy I Thought I’d Love Forever

Every girl, at sometime in their life has a “him”, and every girl reading this, knows exactly who I am referring to, the boy who is always in the back of your mind, the one you’ll always love, the one that you’d probably go crawling back to if you had the chance, the one that you thought you had a future with? Yeah, him. We all have words we wish we could say to him, but this is what I would say if I had the chance.

Dear You,

You know exactly who you are, the boy that I thought was going to be my forever, and is now my never. If you saw me typing this now you’d probably think this was a letter begging for you back when in all reality it’s a letter full of I’m sorry’s, I love you’s and some thank you’s, too.

First things first, we met when we were fourteen, on October 9, 2011,  I met you.  We had met under really unfortunate circumstances. I was being forced to go watch my brother play a sport, that I now love and appreciate, football, while I was in the middle of an anxiety and or depression attack.

What you did not know was, I had done a very bad thing. I had sliced my mid to upper forearms with cold, steel slivers of pain. All of a sudden, I felt warm, crimson streams rushing down my arms. Thankfully they stopped before my mom came up to tell me it was time to go. The cuts were barely even noticeable. Looking back on this, I realize that this was really a cry for help, a way to cope for feelings that I truly, at the time, did not have any idea how to explain.

When I walked in I saw a group of my “friends” and some of the unfamiliar faces. I joined the group and said the typical greetings, until I saw you with pure fright in your eyes. I went up to you and asked you what was wrong, you could see the evident sadness. “Why? Why would you do such a harmful thing to yourself?”, you said slightly sliding my sleeve up. I did not have a response. You hugged me tight, as I released all my pain, in the form of tears onto your shoulder.

To this, I want to say, thank you. Thank you for being there, though you didn’t know me, you had a large impact on my night, but little did I know that you would impact my life in so many more ways. Thank you for the most amazing seventeen months, two weeks, three days and six hours, in which we had: two Halloweens, four birthdays, one day apart, two Christmases, two New Year’s kisses, two Valentine’s Day’s, an Easter and countless I love you’s. I am so grateful for you sticking around with me for as long as you did.

The next thing i need to say is, ironically, I love you. You never thought you’d see those words come from me ever again, right? Well that makes two of us. I now appreciate and love you for the lessons you have taught me along the way. You taught me a lot life lessons, even after we broke up. It’s been almost three years since the day you broke my heart. I still love you, I always will, it will never be the same way that the innocent fourteen-year-old girl loved you as a freshman in high school, but it’s a special kind of love, that only you will ever get from me.

The third thing I need to tell you is I’m sorry. I’m sorry for a lot of things. I’m sorry for making you think that you were my only source happiness,when you were just a large part of it.  I’m sorry for all those threats that my brother and his friends gave you in high school. I’m sorry that I was not what you needed at the time of us meeting. I’m just over all sorry.

I’m going to end this letter on a more positive note and write another thank you. Thank you for pushing me to follow my dreams, I wouldn’t be writing this without you, literally. Thank you for everything you did to help my depression and anxiety, because of you I am okay now. Thank you for showing me that love can be shown in so many different ways, Thank you for breaking my heart. Thank you for teaching me how to trust. Thank you for being in love with me when you were. Thank you for being my first kiss. Thank you for kissing me in the rain even though we both got sick afterward. Thank you.

Lastly, there are so many more I’m sorry’s, I love you’s and Thank you’s, but I will save those for another day.

With all my love,

The innocent girl that isn’t so innocent anymore

 

Ragan Young

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